I let my friend take pictures of me again. I really like this modeling thing, even though I know I could never get paid for it or anything. Sorry I haven't been updating lately, girls. Life has been hectic.
Anyway, honest opinions of some pictures would be really good!

Stay strong. <3

 ]

I weighed 174.4 this morning. I think it's period weight, but I'm not entirely sure. I devised a new plan today to lose weight- one I think I can stick with mostly. Let me know if you think it will work, because I'm not sure if I'll lose or gain weight with this.

There will be a 3 day rotation of calorie intakes. Day 1 will be 500, day 2 is 750, day 3 is 1000. It will repeat continuously until I reach my first real goal (an easy one) which is to be down to 170 by May 21st. After that, I'll make adjustments as necessary, like changing my goal from 5 pounds every 2 weeks to whatever seems to be more suited. The other rules are:
*I have to drink at least 64 oz. of water a day (8 glasses)
*No eating after 8 pm.
*Write down EVERYTHING I eat.
*If I binge, I must skip the next two meals (If I binge before lunch, I skip lunch and dinner. If I binge before dinner, I skip dinner and breakfast the next day. You get the idea.)
*Except in case of an afternoon binge, I must eat breakfast every day.
*When eating out, I should order as light as I can and save the extra money I would have spent on fattier foods and put it in my change jar. (Ex. Current Order: McDonalds side salad+ medium Diet Coke= $2.76. Normal order: Large french fries+Large Diet Coke=$4.54. Saved Money (in change)= $1.78) You would be amazed at how quick it adds up.
*There will be a system of rewards that will be decided on an individual basis. For instance, at the beginning of my current phase (to 170), if I make my goal weight on time, I get a new phone. If not, I have to wait until I catch up (until I weigh 165 on June 7 or 160 on June 21...) Whatever comes first. I have to stay on track in order to get the things I want/need.

The idea behind the rotation is to keep my metabolism up. Some people do this on a weekly cycle, but I would get bored with that, so I'm choosing to do it on a daily basis.

Speaking of which:

Breakfast: Cinnamon Roll Yogurt (100)
Lunch: McDonalds Side Salad with Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing (I think I'm addicted to that, too) (60)
Dinner: 1/3 plate of Sauteed mushrooms in sauce (est. 250), 1 cup rice (350)
Other: Flavored Water (20)

Total: est. 780

H2O intake: 12 glasses (96 oz)

Dad wanted me to go eat Chinese with him. I protested, but I never really get to spend time with him, so I went. I ordered what appeared to be the lowest calorie thing on the menu, but it was still loaded. I blew my first day on this new plan. :( I think I may switch Day 2 and 1 for this time, so I'll eat 500 tomorrow. At least that way I didn't splurge as bad. I won't eat any more today, though, so its' okay.

For those of you who don't already know about the comment I received on my "Photo Shoot/New Plan" blog, here's the story. Last night, in a moment of insanity, I decided it would be cool to add people who I might have other things in common with besides the desire to lose weight. That was a mistake. I added this girl (I honestly can't remember why) and got my first real dose of bitchiness since I've been on Xanga. In response to my add, this girl (of_ravens_and_roses) had this to say:

".... well, I WOULD be your friend, except I fucking hate people who devote their entire blogs to weight loss, name their blogs after something relating to their weight, and whine about how much they binged and bla bla......... bla. Sorry."

Aside from the initial surprise of being attacked, it got me thinking. What is it that people hate about those of us with weight issues? Whether we're severely overweight and don't care, whether we're struggling with our weight constantly, or whether we've already outwardly conquered this battle and are trying to maintain it, we are looked down on. People don't like us if we're fat. People don't like us if we're too thin. People REALLY don't like us if we're trying to fix our weight problem. Why is that? This isn't a rhetorical question, either. If someone knows the answer, by all means, tell me. I don't understand why my weight, or the way I deal with it, would cause so much hatred.

Seriously, what is so bad about trying to lose weight and having support for it? Some people would call it vanity and self obsession. I say it's pride, self respect, and humanity. It's my blog, anyway, and I can write about whatever I want. Even if I don't agree with someone's viewpoint that they express in a blog, I'm not going to publicize that in front of everyone. It's rude, disrespectful, and could hurt someone. That's not why I'm here.

As I've told some of you who have private messaged me about the matter, I don't feel like it was a personal insult. I think it was an insult to all of us who are doing our best to be the best we can be. Now, I'm personally trying to be fairly classy about this and not resort to name calling or anything like that. In fact, I won't even directly respond to her. But apparently this is bothering other girls as well, and I'm in no position to stop you if you want to write this girl on behalf of all of us. (hint, hint)

Thanks so much for all the support you have all given me so far. I couldn't have done what I have without you. Stay strong, girls. You have no idea how much you all mean to me. <3

I'm frustrated on so many levels. Yesterday, I was horrible. I ate tirimasu and chocolate cake and grilled cheese... It was bad. When I saw the pictures of myself from the modeling shoot, the ones where you couldn't see much of my body were wonderful. It was the ones where I was supposed to look like a fairy tale princess that were awful/ Even my shoulders are fat. I didn't know that was possible! I feel gross, overweight, and not worthy of any love or attention right now. 

Yesterday was very awkward. My "costar" in the shoot was my best friend, Shawn. He was in love with me for 3 years and I continuously turned him down. In November, I decided I was in love with him and told him so. He had found someone else not too long before and said no. I got over it fairly quickly and assumed I still was... until yesterday. It wasn't weird when he kissed me. It felt natural. It felt normal for his arms to be around me, for him to be the one pulling my "dead body" out of a creek. (I'll explain that later.) I realized at that moment... I'm still in love with Shawn. And he's in love with Kassi. 

 


See how tiny she is? Anyway. If I looked like that, would he love me again? After the photo shoot, I went to see the play that Shawn and my other best friend, Faith, are in. Also in this play was a guy that I made out with once when I was drunk. He's engaged. He hugged me right in front of his fiance. Twice. Then, we went to the cast party type thing at this new restaraunt I'd never been to before. The waiter? This guy that had propositioned me not too long ago.He sat and talked to me for about an hour. So awkward.

The creek story. For this photo shoot, I played a heartbroken girl who commits suicide by drowning herself. It was about 60 degrees and raining yesterday, and I was in a creek in a prom dress for over half an hour. I was so cold, I didn't have a sense of balance. I was numb. I don't think I could have gotten out if Shawn hadn't pulled me out anyway. It didn't help that my dress weighed like 200 pounds when it was wet. But even when the shoot was done, he was holding me to him, not caring how wet he got, just trying to warm me up. He dried off my calves, back, shoulders, hair, and arms, trying to make sure I was okay. It felt normal and I want that back. I want him back.

I'll post pictures when I get them, probably barring out my eyes, though.

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Update: Holy crap. I lost weight. I don't know how, or why I attempted to weigh myself, but I lost weight. Not much, but enough to make me happy.

Current Weight: 172.2
Weight Lost: -0.4
Total Weight Lost: -7.8
Weight Still to Lose: 52.2


I'm not sure exactly how many calories I ate today, but I'm pretty sure it was under 1000. I'll keep better track tomorrow.

Current Weight: 172.6
Weight Lost: -1.2
Total Weight Lost: -7.6
Weight Still to Lose: 52.4

Breakfast: 1 slice lo-cal wheat toast (40), 1 tsp peanut butter (60)
Lunch: Veggie "Pig in a Blanket" (100, est.)
Dinner: Veggie Corn Dog (150), 2 slices toast (80), 1/2 cup green beans (20)
Snack: tba

Total: 450